Let me think about it
by MichelleHuddy
Summary: Meredith's thoughts about Riggs, how she feels about him and about their one time in her car. and also what she thinks about Maggie's wish to date Riggs. ( I'm not an English speaker),


Meredith closed her eyes and gripped the wheel tighter. It's going to be a long day. They just left the house not more than just ten minutes ago and with Maggie's bad mood about her broken heart by Riggs, Meredith was already wishing for the day to end. She didn't expected for Maggie's feelings for Riggs to be so deep already that she would be determined to wait for him until he's ready to date. And that was the last thing that Meredith needed right now. She already had her plate full of other things, including Nathan's shameless flirting, and she couldn't add to that list, the plan how to stop Maggie's plan, how to change Riggs' mind about dating. And Meredith didn't needed to start thinking about it too. She had to forget Riggs and their one night stand at the back of her jeep. The same one, she was driving right now, with Alex sitting on the same seats. And she did not needed to start thinking, if Riggs had told Maggie the truth about not wanting to date anyone right now. Does that include her too? Does he wants to date her or only use her for sex? His flirting shows his interest but not on what level. Shit. She did not needed to start that chain of thoughts. She was the one to stop it, saying that she didn't felt the same way. And she had said the truth, she meant it. Right? Of course she did.

She was not ready to date and especially not Riggs. God dammit she just had hated him just a few short months ago. Well Ok, maybe didn't hated him per say. She was on Owen's side and when he said they hate him, she did. but after hearing his side of the story, she couldn't exactly hate him anymore. She could understand from where Owen is coming, but Riggs haven't exactly deserved to be hated and not forgiven.

And why was she now defending him? Maybe because she didn't wanted to feel bad for sleeping with him. She didn't wanted to see it like she was betraying Owen. She told him, that she was on his side and she would hate Riggs for his sake. And sleeping with him was not in the plans. Meredith refuses to think that maybe she does like Riggs, cause she doesn't. She was not ready to date and to like anyone, especially Riggs. the sex meant nothing. She just liked sex and it was a long time since she had any. Not since that hot doctor Will Thorpe. And god, she was not ready for it. Not ready too have sex with anyone yet, or to date, to think of anyone romantically.

And that was just couple months ago. So if she would be ready to have sex and go on dates, it would be Will and not Riggs. It was just a moment of weakness, she missed sex and she used a hot doctor for it. Meaning for it to stay just that. One time of hot and dirty. Ok, Riggs was right, it was more like four times, four great times, of hot and steamy, mind blowing sex. But still. It was just sex. Two grown up people having their needs met. Just because she was a widow or had three kids, or was not ready to date anyone, doesn't mean, she does not have those needs anymore.

* * *

"-Meredith? Meredith? are you listening?", Maggie's voice brings her back from her thoughts. And she refuses to admit that she was thinking about the hot car sex with Riggs. Cause she was not.

"-ah..? of course I was listening", Meredith clears her throat and pretends that she was ears open to Maggie's stupid plan about seducing Riggs.

"-And what I was saying then?", Maggie asks obviously irritated that she was not paying that much attention to her problem. Meredith sighs trying not to snap at her,

"-You were talking my ears of about Riggs, when I am trying to thing about the surgical plan for Mr Kings", Meredith says with a bit higher voice, hoping it would finally shut Maggie of, "-And why do you thing that I am the best person to discus your dating life? Obviously my one horrible date with Dc Will Thorpe, did not indicate that I am fully back on that wheel", Meredith hates that she has to bring back her day from the nightmare after she slept with Will. but she seriously looses her nerves.

Luckily it's enough to shut Maggie of, at least for now. The fact that Alex's romantic life is going down the drain too, also helps, and Maggie feels too guilty to discus it again. Meredith refuses to say that she feels the jealousy or is annoyed about the thought of Riggs dating someone else, especially Maggie. cause she's not. and let's hope that Nathan won't start thinking the same, cause she just cannot deal with Riggs open flirting yet again.

* * *

Before separating in the hallway, Alex gives her an odd look and Meredith has to bit her inner lip to stop herself from screaming. She knows what that look means, it's the same look she gave Alex before he started dating Joe. It's the look telling you to stop lying to yourself and admit that you want him/her for yourself. Meredith hates that look, especially when she's the one on the receiving end. Alex should know better than to give her that look. He should be on her side and support her decision, even if she's lying to herself and pretending that her sleeping with Riggs did not complicated things to the worst possible scenario.

And the fact that Riggs himself told her, that it would complicates thing for sure, just drives her mad. He should not be the smarter one here. For some reason with that thought still in her mind, she's angry at him. So when she passes Nathan in the hallway, she glares at him angrily when he says _Good morning_ , and almost snaps at him, when he tries to initiate the conversation any further.

The fact that latter in the day they have to work together on the same patient, does not help at all. She feels his heated eyes on her and tries to ignore him even more. Snaps at his suggestions and tries to keep as big of a distance between them as possible. And she even feels her anger rise up even more cause he's reacting so calmly. Why the hell he has to be this clear minded, focus and smarter than her. It's even worse in the OR. For some reason she cannot focus on the surgery like always and was not able to leave her personal life behind the door, like always. And Nathan being friendly, focus and professional, just irritates her even more. She can't even look at him right now.

* * *

Unfortunately for her, Nathan Riggs corners her in the empty ward, after the surgery. "-What the hell is your problem here?", he asks angrily, staring at her with his clear blue eyes, just a feet away, and Meredith can barely breath,

"-I've done what you asked me to. I said no when Maggie asked me out, I've been professional and kept my distance from you. So what now Meredith?", he asks staring her down, keeping her in place and not allowing her to avoid him. But even thou his voice is raised, he still sounds calm, he's not boiling with emotions like her and knows better than to raise his voice and get everyone's attention.

"-And you've done a crappy job. Telling her that you're not ready to date anyone right now, just made her determined to wait until you're ready", Meredith almost shouts at him in anger, barely keeping her voice in check. She hates how close he's standing, or how calmly he's analyzing her with his look,

"-And what would you have me telling her then? You told me to be very nice and I was. It's not my fault that she's in love with me. And you wouldn't let me tell her the truth", he raises his voice, but he's still not angry, maybe irritated. probably because of her childish behavior.

"-Well you should've thought of something", Meredith says angrily, a bit of lost of words. She does not know how to argue that. How to explain her anger,

"-And maybe you should stop being the coward and tell her the truth. it's not the end of the world", He's annoyed and irritated and it almost helps her to control herself. For some reason she needs him angry and shouting like her. maybe then she would stop feeling so helpless. or maybe she just can't handle his flirting any longer, before she stops fighting.

"-You know what Meredith?", she hates the way his voice sounds right now, "-If you want to keep lying to me and even yourself that you don't feel the same way. Then at least learn how to control your jealousy. Cause you're being ridiculous", Nathan tells her calmly, staring at her with those beautiful blue eyes and she can barely blink in response. His eyes travel to her lips for a second and she fight herself not to lick her lips and initiate the kiss. His hand trembles by his side, wanting to reach out and touch her, and she actually wants him to. But he thinks better than that and takes a step back. she can finally breath,

"-I'm not jealous. It's just your wishing mind. I could care less, who you date or have sex with. As long as it's not my sister", She hopes her voice is strong enough to sound truthful. Cause she cannot even began to analyze her own words.

"-What ever you say Meredith", he sounds distant as he says it and walks back to the doors to eventually leave the room. She fight herself not to stop him and ask what that means. Did he not believed her yet again? or was it a challenge? Would he now start dating someone or start having sex just to test her words, to see if she's really not jealous. She hopes he won't. Shit. She doesn't know what she wants. But definitely not that.

* * *

Meredith barely notices how her day went after that. It was like she was on the autopilot, functioning like a machine or a zombie. She finally breathes more easily as she came back home and hugs her kids. That's what her life is all about. Her three beautiful children. She cannot think of some guy and her pour choices. She cannot focus on Riggs, when she has three kids. That who she is. A mother. A single mother and she does not need a man. At least not the one like Riggs, good enough just to scratch the itch. It's not like she could have a real relationship with Nathan, introduce him to her family and have around the kids. She needs stability, her kids needs stability and Riggs is not the one for that.

As Maggie finally came back home too, Meredith initiates all kind of conversation just to prevent talking about Riggs, cause she just can't right now. She focuses on making diner and sends Maggie to watch over the kids, that they won't have any open time for a new subject. And Meredith just prays to God that it's enough. It's late and they're tired after work, Maggie is not some teenager that won't shut up about some boy she likes.

But God is not listening to her right now. Maybe she should've prayed more as a kid. "-I've heard about Riggs", is Maggie's opening statement ad Meredith forgets how to breath, "-And I wanted to thank you for it", she blinks back at her sister and it's enough for Maggie to explain herself, "-I've heard you've been angry and rude to him the whole day. And you didn't have to do that. Meredith I'm a big girl. You don't have to look out for me", Maggie explains with a warm voice and loving eyes. Meredith can only smile back at her.

"-Besides, it's not like he broke my heart. He's just not ready to date right now. And I can fully understand that", Maggie says softly but Meredith just blinks back at her, why the hell she has to be so understanding, why can't she just find someone else to jump and give her heart away.

"-Maybe you should just forget him and meet someone else", Meredith finds herself saying, "-You're young hot and talented, I'm sure there's plenty of guys wanting to date you", Meredith says barely recognizing her voice. "-Who knows how long you'll have to wait for him. And what if you'll hear he's banging some nurse",

"-What? Banging some nurse? Have you heard something?", Meredith wants to slap herself, why the hell she had to speak up,

"-No..I haven't. But..I mean, he said he's not ready to date. Doesn't mean he's not having sex. He's a man after all, and had spend all this time in army", Meredith is not sure what she's doing. She doesn't want Maggie to get hurt. And she wants Riggs..? For herself? To stay away? To keep as a back up plan? Fuck if she knows.

"-So what are you saying then?", Maggie asks her with interests like she had some kind of plan. "-That I should find someone to have sex in the meantime?", Meredith blinks at her, was it really what she said?, "-O maybe I should suggest Riggs to just have sex, with no strings attached until he's ready?", Maggie looks at her questioning and Meredith coughs trying not to choke on her food. What a hell? Did she really put that thought into Maggie's mind.

* * *

The next day Meredith feels even worse. Yes she's still angry and wants to shout, mostly at Riggs, but also at Maggie and most of all at herself. She wanted to talk Maggie out of dating Riggs, or waiting until he's ready to date, but instead, she just gave Maggie the idea to start sleeping with him first. And shit. What she's suppose to do now? Does she asks Riggs to turn Maggie down? And how that conversation would go? Nathan would start his speech how Meredith wants him for herself and is feeling jealous. Besides why would Nathan turn Maggie down? She's good looking, a great doctor, young, smart and kid of funny. And most of all offering him sex. Well shit, it's not how it's suppose to go.

So now, Meredith is just avoiding Riggs, not having what to say to him. It's his choice how to live his life, as long as he doesn't tell Maggie about their dirty time inside her jeep. Shit. She does not care if Riggs would start sleeping with Maggie or anyone for that sake. She does not care. She does not care.

But apparently that mantra doesn't really help, cause when she spots Maggie and Riggs talking in the cafeteria, looking oh so cozy. She's ready to explode.

"-So do you like him or what?", she spins quickly on her heel to meet Alex's knowing look and she wants to smack him,

"-Like who?", she plays dump but it doesn't work, Alex just rolls his eyes and bits his lip. He does not needs this. He doesn't want to discus this kind of things, he does not want to be a part of that girls talk about guys. He's not Christina. But he is Meredith's person, and he knows it goes with his obligation to be there for her and have those kind of talks with her.

"-I don't like him. It was just sex. Once. And we do not have to talk about it", Meredith assures him and Alex just nods. He's not sure if he actually believes her, but frankly he doesn't want to talk about it and is happy to escape it. Maybe on the other circumstances he would push her, cause Meredith is gifted at being in denial and lying to herself. But right now Alex has other problems. Like his failed relationship with Jo and a possibility to go in jail.

* * *

Latter she sees Riggs in the hallway and he gives her a strange look, but she's not ready to receive any look from him, so she just looks away and pretends that everything is fine. She does not need to think and analyze what that look might've meant. She's not sure what she'll do with any kind of answer and she just can't start thinking if Maggie had voiced her suggestion to Riggs or not, and what he had said. No. She just can't do it right now.

She sees Maggie laughing with Amelia by the reception desk and Meredith can't deal with it. Just last night Maggie was ready to cry out her eyes and drown herself in the liquor and now she's laughing, looking normal and happy. Meredith can't think what it might mean. She can't start thinking that maybe Riggs is her reason her laughs and smiles. Does that mean he said yes? Did he agree to have sex? Or just gave her some kind of hope? No. No. She cannot think about it right now.

Latter that night after she had put her kids to sleep, Meredith pours herself a big glass of wine, trying to relax and shut her mind of. She dies not wait for dinner or for Maggie and Alex to came back home. She does not want to explain her sudden need to get drunk and drown her sorrows in the glass of alcohol. Shit. She can't think about it. She can't analyze her sad mood and possible jealousy, she can't admit that she drinks because of Riggs and Maggie. So she doesn't. She doesn't think and just pours herself another glass.

* * *

"-Someone started a party early?", Maggie's voice draws her attention, just as she and Alex come into the room, and Meredith silently counts to ten, to prevent herself for snapping at her.

"-It's been a long day", Meredith says ignoring Alex's look, she just looks away and takes another gulp. She said they don't need to talk about it and she meant it. She does not need Alex's judgment, even if just by the looks.

"-I'll have on of those too", Maggie says cheerfully, pointing to the open bottle of wine. And she pours herself a healthy glass as soon as she sheds her coat. Alex gave her another meaningful look, asking like- _is it the same reason for her good mood as it is for your bad one?_. But she just looks away, pretending that she's not that pathetic. She does not need for Alex to be smarter than her.

"-So Maggie, why the sudden cheerful mood? Does it have anything to do with Riggs?", Alex asks, trying to help out Meredith that she wouldn't have to do it,

"-Why do you ask? I thought that with what's happening between you and Jo, you don't want to listen to my dating problems?", Maggie asks, always the smart one and Meredith with Alex curses under their breaths. Cause that's what Alex had said, just two days ago, when Maggie was crying her heart out.

"-I just could use a good news now. Cause it's obviously won't be anytime soon in my life", Alex explains himself and Meredith almost want's to hug him for his acting skills. Cause partly it is the truth, but partly, it's Alex being an amazing friend to her.

"-Well, there's not much to tell", Maggie start with a smile and Meredith grids her teeth, "-I've asked Riggs is he's seeing anyone right now. Or maybe having sex", she whispers out the last part, like a shy school girl, "-And he said that he used to, but she had put it to end", Maggie explains shyly and Meredith just blinks back at her, was he talking about her? O maybe he was seeing someone else? Shit. Why does it bother her suddenly?

"-...and then he said that he respects me too much and doesn't want to hurt me, cause I deserve better than that", Maggie explains and Meredith takes another gulp of wine, did she overheard some part of the story or Maggie did actually said that there's nothing between them?

"-So basically he just turned you down yet again", Alex voices like he has a heard time understanding it too, "-I'm sorry, so why are you so happy?", Alex asks and gives Meredith another look, this time asking if Maggie is actually this dens,

"-Well he said that he likes me. He likes me too much, to use me for sex, cause I deserve better", Maggie explains happily and Meredith with Alex just nod pretending like they understand, "-He practically asked me to wait until he's ready", Maggie ads happily and Alex with Meredith exchange a hard look. _Seriously?_

* * *

"-So you do like him", this time Alex is not asking but stating a fact, like there's no point in denying it. Meredith breathes out heavily, shit she did not want to talk about it, cause then it would be real. And she's not ready to admit that she actually likes that jerk Riggs,

"-I don't...know", Meredith closes her eyes, not sure what to do after she finally admit it, "-All I know is that one night out of nowhere, when we were fighting like usually, he made me so mad that I wanted to scream or to hit him. But instead I kissed him, and the next thing I know, we are having sex in my car", Meredith explains, needing to tell this to someone, "-And I was ok with that. Just simple sex between friends...or whatever. I told him that's just it and I was ready to move on and forget all about it. Sure he's interesting, smart and good looking, but I was not looking for anyone. And he seemed to understand it too, kind of", Meredith explains avoiding Alex's eyes, he's probably not that interested in hearing all about it.

"-But then...Maggie told me that she liked him. Really liked him, and wanted to date him. And she thinks that he likes her too. But he was flirting with me and was looking over my side. And suddenly...I felt territorial. Like I saw him first, he saw me first. He likes me, and I didn't wanted her to have him. I didn't wanted him to flirt with her, like flirted with me. But Maggie is all about- You already had your happy ending, the big love of your life, all that happiness, marriage and kids and right now she wants it. And I do want it for her. She does deserves it. But ...but she just had to set her eyes on Riggs. The same guy, I had slept with, flirted with and was even starting to like", Meredith finishes her speech and takes a big breath.

Shit it sounds bad when it's out in the open. She should not be this selfish. She should step back and let Maggie to have Riggs, but he seems interested in her and shit, she didn't wanted to lose that interest. It felt good to feel wanted, to be flirted with. And yeah he's kind of a jerk. But shit, she kinds of likes it.

"-So what are you going to do?", Alex asks her and shit. It's a million dollar question. What can she do?

"-Shit if I know. If I would tell her the truth, she would think I betrayed her. But if I don't, then I'll have to watch how he meets someone else, or even starts dating her. And she might actually wait for him for God knows how long. Even if she does meets someone else, she would still hate me for it", Meredith breathes out, feeling helpless. There was no way out. One way or the other it would be better if she would move on. Maybe she really should call Dc Will Thorpe. He was hot, and interested in her, what else can she ask for.


End file.
